Thursday, May 30, 2002

Mean things I do to friends and forget about
About 8 years ago, I did a really mean thing to my friend Catriona, who I worked with at the time. In a fit of boredom, I went on the web and signed her up for a Michael Jackson Fan Club. I figured she would get the "welcome email" and, knowing it was me, come over and beat me senseless. The next day at work, much to my amusement, Cat was hopping mad. She was like, "I am SO upset!! I found out that I fit the same demographic as Michael Jackson fans!! I just received an email from a Michael Jackson Fan Club!!" Well, this was far more amusing than anything I could have expected so I just acted indignant for her and we tried to figure out what she had in common with others that like Michael Jackson. Then I forgot about the whole thing. Last week Cat and I were discussing spam.

Me: You know you'd think there would be SOME targeting going on with spam.
Cat: No kidding. It's ridiculous.
Me: I mean, really. I get emails to enlarge my breasts AND my penis.
Cat: Well what about ME?!?! I get Michael Jackson Fan Club emails!!!
Me: Oh, that was me. I signed you up for that.
Cat: WHAT!??! *much slapping and pummeling ensues*
Me: I guess I forgot to tell you.
Cat: YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!! For 7 years now I've been tormented by how I could have anything in common with some effeminate, pedophilic, pop star!!
Me: Well, no, you're a better person for it. Just think, you have spent the last 7 years trying to change who you are so as not to have anything in common with Michael Jackson fans.
Cat: Oh bloody 'ell. My whole motivation for living is gone now.
posted by Sandra at 1:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 28, 2002

No longer a virgin
I can proudly say that as of today I am no longer an IKEA-virgin!! Conrado did the honors. He was so gentle and sensitive (taking me there in the middle of the week, in the afternoon). I was not prepared for the mind-boggling terror immensity that was IKEA. I quickly learned to avoid being run down by large pregnant women and chortling gay couples in their single-minded intensity to throw as many wall sconces and modular shelving into their carts as possible. I walked away having reveled in the disparate images of hundreds of votive candles, swedish meatballs, brightly colored loveseats, and perfectly coordinated room designs. You know what was the best part? It kinda reminded me of a Disney World ride or a World's Fair exhibit. The showroom floor was like a little race track with open, completely furnished "rooms" to show you what everything would look like in a real life setting. I could just picture us standing on a moving walk-way with an audio track blaring, "...and on your right is the kitchen-of-the-23rd-Century, complete with a hydroponic herb garden. Kitchens of the future will be nuclear powered eliminating the need of such antiquated things as gas stoves ..." IKEA is a very strange place.
posted by Sandra at 7:01 PM
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Sunday, May 26, 2002

Won't you be ... my neighbor?
I've been living in the same building for so long now that I sometimes forget just how strange this apartment complex is. Starting over 3 years ago, there has always been a friend of mine living upstairs. First Geno, then Geno and Todd. Now that they have both moved out, I find it rather reassuring that I will not be without a gay male friend upstairs since Conrado will be taking their place. I didn't realize that being a Sr. Fag Hag meant actually having one of your boys living in the same building! I've been trying to prepare Conrado for some of the more interesting characters that live in this building.

1. Crazy Crack-Head Guy: he lives two doors down from me and lives directly below Conrado. He is insane. The other day he came upstairs to complain that Conrado and I were making too much noise (cleaning his new apt) at noon on a weekend. I found this funny because the night before, I heard some random person yelling outside on the street. I THEN heard Crack-Head Guy screaming out his window, "SHUT UP FUCK-FACE!! THAT IS NO WAY TO RESPECT THE FUCKING STREETS!!!" So just remember, WALKING on the street and yelling is disrespectful. However, as long as you are not actually standing ON the street and are just screaming out your window, it's ok.

2. Crazy Pot-Head Guy: he lives across the hall from Conrado. You can get high just from walking down the hallway due to the smoke billowing out from under his door. He looks like Jerry Garcia and glares at all the other tenants with angry suspicion. He has a car that is filled to the top with aluminum cans. Only the driver seat is open. I don't think he actually ever empties his car. Though sometimes I have seen some newspapers thrown in just to mix things up a bit. I think he is waiting to "redeem" his whole goddamn car so he can get a new one.

3. Crazy Old Philippino Guy: he lives at the end of my hall. He is about 120 years old. He always tries to speak to me in Tagalog. I tell him I don't speak Tagalog. He continues to speak to me in Tagalog, getting very angry about something that I obviously don't understand. Or, it could just be that he is telling me a VERY exciting story that requires yelling and scowling. He keeps trying to burn down our building. The last time, we saw smoke coming from his apartment. However, he wouldn't let anyone in his apt because he is afraid that we are all going to steal his piles of moldy boxes. They actually sent people out in Hazmat suits once to go into his apartment to clear out some stuff. I keep trying to go get Conrado to talk to him. I want to know what he is trying to tell me. However, when Conrado spoke to him in Tagalog, he just glared at him and ran away. I think it's because Conrado IS going to try to steal his moldy boxes.
posted by Sandra at 11:02 PM
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Comments and other stuff
hehehe having problems with the commenting system. I can't guarantee that it will stay up ... but that's ok, it happens to everyone, right? Or at least, so I've been told. ;-) Can't we just cuddle?

So to the friends of mine that knew that I was participating in a webgame, I recently left the game. (for those of you who did NOT know, did I say webgame? I deny all allegations of being in one!) I'll have to give you all the scoop on THAT whole deal later. It was fun and short-lived, in the way that a 3 week long dash over razor blades would be fun and short-lived. *wink* All I can say for now, is oh my GOD! Remind me never to be in a 20-something game again. sigh. Those silly kids! Just wanted to say thanks for the support. And thanks Todd, for riding this poor little race horse into the ground!
posted by Sandra at 10:39 PM
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Friday, May 24, 2002

Dinner at Chevy's
I'm quite convinced they put crack in their tortilla chips. Cat, Conrado and I went there for dinner. I sat across from the two of them in sheer awe of their complete inability to communicate to each other. It didn't bother them of course. They were happily "conversing"!

Conversation #1
Conrado: ... he's really cute and tall. Oh and straight! You'd like him!
Cat: oh really? What's he like?
Conrado: He's totally abusive. You'd find him attractive!
Score: Conrado = 1, Cat = 0

Conversation #2
Conrado: Can you believe that this woman said I should do drag?! She'd think I'd make a good WOMAN!!
Cat: What is she talking about?? You'd need to be way more masculine to be a convincing woman.
Conrado: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! (voice rising to a shriek that could shatter glass)
Score: Conrado = 1, Cat = 1

Cat Tries To Mollify Conrado
Cat: I'm just saying that you could not pass as a real woman is all. You'd have to act more "manly" to be seen as a REAL woman...
Conrado: Are you saying I'm not manly?!? Fine I'll just walk around carrying a basketball! And saying, "Hey dude, I just got back from playing a few hoops..."
Cat: See what I mean?!?! It's "shoot some hoops" not "playing a few hoops"!!
Conrado: Oh yeah?!? Here, let me show you my penis!!
Me: CHECK PLEASE!

I have to admit I'm STILL not sure what 90% of their dinner conversation was about but they spent a lot of time laughing and squealing so they must have understood what THEY were talking about.
posted by Sandra at 5:44 PM
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Sunday, May 12, 2002

Pink Pomeranias
Before Conrado and I got locked in Macy's, we were walking to Union Square when we saw, from across the street, a woman walking her three dogs. She was waiting at the corner and one of her Pomeranians was rubbing his head and face on the sidewalk. She was trying to pull on his leash to stop him. As we crossed the street, we could see what the dog was doing. His owner could not. Said fluffy dog was rubbing his face in a big PINK sidewalk chalk drawing. The dog looked up and it was completely pink! Conrado pointed and doubled over in laughter. I couldn't even talk I was laughing so hard. The woman, confused, tried to get her dog's attention. When the dog looked up she was like, "OH MY GOD! Look what you've done now! You're all pink." I helpfully tried to point out that at least now the dog was the same color as his pink leash.
posted by Sandra at 6:37 PM
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Thursday, May 09, 2002

A really bad computer day
Oh boy, the hard drive in my mac died yesterday. Died as in completely fubar'd. And here I was just trying to figure out how to back up all my data. So today was spent getting a new hard drive so I could swap out the bad one and HOPE that I can find a place to do some data recovery on it. I was so upset (still am but am trying not to think about what if I've lost everything) and it was one of those moments where I just wanted to fling myself out my apartment window. I decided against this as a possible solution seeing as I'm only like 8 feet up from the street, I would have looked pretty dumb flopping down onto the sidewalk in my pj's. Conrado was a real trooper as he tried to keep my spirits up and accompanied back and forth to and from the computer store. After dinner we went to Macy's, had a coffee at their "cafe," and just chatted. Much to our horror we discovered that Macy's had closed and we had been locked in! Personally the thought of being locked in Macy's was more terrifying than losing my hard drive... We ended up having to leave via the employee exit where everyone flashed their employee badges at the security guard. I just waved at him. He wasn't even looking.
posted by Sandra at 3:27 AM
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Sunday, May 05, 2002

A visit to a tea house. (no not THAT kind of tea house, you pervs!)
So in perfect gay man fashion, Geno had a birthday lunch at Lovejoy's tea house with a party comprised of gay men and women. It was a blast. Many little sandwiches were consumed and none with spiders thankfully. Many wonderful presents were given (with the obligatory funny b-day cards) and the biggest carrot cake you've ever seen. However, according to the candles on the cake, Geno was only 5 years old! Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. ;-) Excerpt from lunch conversation:

[not knowing if everyone at the table had been introduced or not, I thought I would make sure.]
Me: Hey, has everyone met already? Have you gentlemen been introduced to those ... *waving in the general direction of the crazy Scottish twins, Cat and Liza* ... things over there? GASP! I mean TWINS!! Those TWINS over there!!
Liza: *mouth drops open and give me a look that could melt glass*
Cat: *stops talking* What the bloody hell did she just say?!?
Me: NOTHING! Nothing at all! (quickly attempt to stuff little sandwiches in mouth around foot that is already there)

posted by Sandra at 10:57 PM
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Saturday, May 04, 2002

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GENO!!
Wow, 25 years old! And to think I met you when you first moved to the city... when you were just a wee babe of 17!! At least this year I gave you present that you will NEVER be able to throw away and will always have to wear proudly (and not just put on when I come over to visit). *evil chuckle*
posted by Sandra at 12:32 PM
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Friday, May 03, 2002

Luna Park
Well I went to check out Geno's new place last nite and dine at Geno's favorite restaurant in the Mission, Luna Park. It was amazing. Cool little bar too. I'm pretty sure we scared the couple sitting next to us (the tables are very close) as is usually the case, Geno could not stop himself from telling particularly gross and tasteless stories.
posted by Sandra at 2:26 PM
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Wednesday, May 01, 2002

WOO HOO! I'm 56% GAY!!
... but wait, I'm not gay. I took this test that I found on Todd's site and it says, "Congratulations! You've scored right in the middle and are a happy and well-adjusted hetero babe." ...but I'm still 56% gay? He is 60% gay....so does that mean I am just SLIGHTLY less gay than Todd?!?!? I don't know who should be more insulted, him or me!
posted by Sandra at 5:53 PM
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