Thursday, January 23, 2003

You cannot deny the truth of the web!
Thank god for the web. My future has been set. I can sit back in relief to know where I will end up in life. A friend told me to play MASH online today. This is what it told me.

You will live in House.
You will drive a Puce Ice cream truck.
You will marry Todd and have -1 kids.
You will be a stripper in Jacksonville.

I have to say that since I'm marrying Todd, the idea of -1 kids is pretty probable.
posted by Sandra at 6:54 PM
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Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Birdy Breakfast
I realize the biggest problem my parents have with caring for their "grandbirdies" is that one of them talks. I really think this is the source of the problem. They have no problem treating Pea-chan, the cockatiel, and Oni, the lovebird, as pets. They feed them their specific diets, they put them to bed at the correct time, and they care for them as I have instructed. Tomi seems to be another case altogether. Because he talks and seems to know what he is saying, I think they view him as a small child. They have not adhered to any of the instructions I gave them for his care! Before I came to Florida, I told them exactly what he was allowed to eat and how much. This is because Tomi, who is obsessed with food and has a tendency to be put on a diet after EVERY yearly vet visit, will incessantly ask to be fed.

(last phone call with my mom)
Me: Are you doing ok with feeding Tomi?
Mom: Oh yes! He is no problem. What do you usually feed him for breakfast?
Me: He is allowed half an Avi-Cake.
Mom: THAT'S ALL?? That is all you give him?!?!?
Me: That is plenty! He has a bowl of pellets during the day and he gets some fruits and veggies and a few nuts as a treat.
Mom: Oh. Well every morning he gets scrambled eggs, oatmeal with condensed milk and sugar (because he likes it that way), grapes, yogurt from a SPOON you know, rice, mashed yams with butter and brown sugar, and peas. oh and sometimes toast with butter.
Me: OH MY GOD! MOM!!!! HE'S NOT A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!! He's not supposed to eat that much!! I told you!!
Mom: But he sooooo hungry in the morning! And he keeps asking for more food. He eats it all up.
Me: Well YEAH!! He knows he doesn't normally get all that!! AND he knows he's not going to be eating like THAT when I get back! Mom, he's going to be HUGE!!
Mom: Nahhhh, he's ok. But, you know, he has very fluffy feathers around his legs!
Me: That's NOT feathers!! He's FAT!
Mom: he he he he, just like plump little drumsticks!
Me: That's not funny mom! Have you weighed him??
    (All the birds have been trained to sit on a little scale so I can monitor their weight. I instructed my parents to weigh him once a week and told them what his weight should be)
Mom: I tried but he won't get on the scale. Maybe he scared to see his weight, eh?

I just give up. Not only will Tomi be unbearable, he's going to be un-liftable!
posted by Sandra at 5:16 PM
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Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Auditory hallucinations
I've been away from SF for too long!! I must be going through withdrawls or something because I swear I'm hearing random bits of tagalog! Maybe I just miss Conrado and his world famous adobo and this is some very odd side effect. They have put me in the middle of a call-center! How am I supposed to code in a call-center? Also, it's cube-land which is an odd thing in itself. It gives the impression of privacy but you can hear every person's conversation as though they were standing IN your cube. I hear people on the phones all day long. The person I hear most often is the nice blue-eyed, blond haired man with whom I share a cube wall. I almost never see him. I just hear him. After awhile, I notice you start to tune out all the talking and it just becomes one big, loud, incessant mumble. Even when I stand up I can't see over the wall, so most times we both face the wall and talk through it to each other. My first week there:

Cube-neighbor: ...mumble mumble mumble... ok.. mumble ..salamat po .. mumble ...

I stop coding and start listening to him talking about everyday topics. God, I swear I just heard him say "salamat po" (thank you very much). I shake my head. I am hearing things! A few days later:

Cube-neighbor: ...mumble mumble...I'm almost done... mumble mumble ...I'm going by mumble.. LUMPIA WRAPPERS ...mumble mumble ...see you soon...

I jerk upright in my chair and start listening to the cube wall. I JUST KNOW THAT GUY SAID LUMPIA WRAPPERS!! Why would he randomly say "lumpia wrappers"? Now I'm sitting listening to his southern drawl as he talks about his day. Nope, he's not talking about lumpia wrappers. My other cube neighbor, Ranjit, is now staring at me and I pretend that I'm looking behind my monitor rather than putting my ear to the cube wall. I am starting to LOSE it! I need to go home soon. A week later:

Cube-neighbor: ...mumble MUMBLE mumble... mumble AY NAKU!

I jump to my feet, facing the wall. Now I'm pissed!

Me: DID YOU JUST SAY "AY NAKU" ???
Cube-neighbor: ... what?
Me: Did .. YOU .. just .. say, "AY NAKU" !?!??!
Cube-neighbor: yes?
Me: And did you say LUMPIA WRAPPERS the other day???
Cube-neighbor: yes ma'am
Me: Why on EARTH are you saying "Ay naku!" and lumpia wrappers?!
Cube-neighbor: oh. my wife is filipino and her whole family is in town for the holidays.

As I collapse on my desk sobbing from relief that no, in fact, I have not lost my mind. By the way, what IS the exact translation for "ay naku"? Does anyone know? Now if I were in SF, I could just walk upstairs and ask Conrado! I miss home.
posted by Sandra at 10:12 PM
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Saturday, January 18, 2003

"Grandbirdies"
All I can say is thank god for my parents! They were kind enough to watch my two birds while I'm here in Jacksonville. Since I would be away so long, my company arranged it so I had a stop-over in Newark and I could drop the birds off with them. At the time I thought I would only be here for a month, not TWO months. So I'm glad that my parents took the birds. They are not really bird people. They care for my lovebird, Oni, but he is just a little bird and more like a parakeet. More like a pet. They have never really cared for Tomi, by themselves for any length of time. Tomi, an African Grey parrot, with the intelligence of a 5-year old and the emotional level of a 2-year old. Tomi is like any 2-year old who enjoys throwing his food on the floor, having temper tantrums and biting you when angry. And, like any 2-year old has an instinctual understanding of what "grandparents" are and just how to work them. My parents, the sweetest, most loving people ever, were, from the start, absolutely NO match for a little 1/2 lb. gray parrot. They never saw it coming.

(my weekly phone conversation with my mom to hear about the latest, funniest thing that her "grandbirdies" have done.)
Me: So is Tomi behaving? He hasn't bitten you, has he?
Mom: well I think he is comfortable now because he is starting to be naughty!
Me: oh no. What is he doing now?
Mom: Tomi jumps off his playpen and runs aaaaallll over the house and chases the cats. And then he walks in the kitchen and tries to eat our new kitchen cupboards!
Me: Oh no! Don't let him do that! You put him in his cage for a "time out" when he does that.
Mom: oh yes, I remember what you say. So I pick him up and put him in the cage and say he is a bad bird for chasing the cats and trying to eat the kitchen cupboards.
Me: OK well, I don't think he really understands that but yes, you should put him in his cage and he's not allowed out if he is going to be bad. He didn't try bite you when you put him away, did he?
Mom: Oh no, I put him in and then he hung on the front and said, "Tomi's a GOOOOOOD BOY!!" so I let him back out.
Me: You let him back out?!? MOM!! That is not disciplining him! Why did you let him back out again???
Mom: Well he said he is a good boy so I let him out.
Me: And you believed him?!?! HE'S A PARROT!! He LIES!!
Mom: ohhhhhh.

That bird is going to be unbearable by the time I get him back.
posted by Sandra at 7:32 PM
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For the love of god, make it stop!!!
Could my misery BE any greater on this business trip?? yes, it can. The State "Cheer & Dance" Championships are being held in Jacksonville this year, THIS weekend. And they are all staying here at the hotel!!! There are hundreds of screaming, squealing, jumping teenage girls and boys in the hotel's atrium and running around in the halls. Since all the rooms surround a big open atrium, the sound is reverberating everywhere. GEESH! It's like one big N'Sync concert!! I'm staying in my room and putting on headphones!
posted by Sandra at 6:22 PM
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Friday, January 17, 2003

gambling + ocean + karaoke + alcohol + boat = ok, so I don't know what that equals but I'm still trying to recover from the trauma
So, I took a couple days off from work last week. I figured I should do something other than hide in the hotel and be ridiculed at grocery stores. For some reason, I thought going on a gambling cruise would be fun. I read there were a couple in the area so I was willing to see what this was about. I heard you take a shuttle out to international waters where the casino boat is, float around on the ocean for awhile, have some dinner, play some slots, come back. A boat ride on a sunny day would be relaxing. I decide to go on the day cruise from 11am to 4pm and made a reservation. I was ALL set to go gamble with purple-haired retirees, drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes, and playing nickel slots all day!! WOO HOO!

Gambling Cruise attempt #1
As people who know me already know, I have a little problem with driving directions. Doesn't really bother me but I'm always guaranteed to take the "scenic route." First mistake: write down directions from the website. Start driving along I-95 North. Don't see the exit anywhere (they had the wrong name of the exit on the site). Keep driving. Call the cruise office. The woman on the phone is new to Florida. She has no idea if I've passed the exit or not. But, she is nice enough to tell me that if I don't make the cruise, she'll change my reservation for the Evening Cruise. Keep driving. Call the office again. I ask if I need to turn around. She doesn't know. She's new to Florida. I see a sign. "WELCOME TO GEORGIA!!" Oh yeah. I think I'll be on the evening cruise. Hey I got to see Georgia though!

Gambling Cruise attempt #2
Ok, so this time I get the correct exit name and the correct directions. I make it to the evening cruise. We all board the shuttle boat and after awhile I realize, it's not a shuttle TO the casino boat. it IS the casino boat. It wasn't very big. I have to say I had a good time, though I opted not have "dinner" as it was a scary buffet that consisted of sloppy joes and something that looked suspiciously like wilty brown spinach but was called "Oriental Stir Fry." I still don't know what "oriental," "stir" or "fry" had to do with it. My conclusions on the cruise.

The best thing about the cruise: seeing dolphins swimming next to the boat

The worst thing about the cruise: the guy singing karaoke that sound like a mix between a barking sealion and a howling dog.

The funniest thing about the cruise: overhearing random bit of conversation. This was my favorite. "I have a buddy who was stationed over in Af-GAAAAAN-istan. And you know what he told me? Y'all know why the Russians lost? It's 'cause they didn't wash their hands! And that's the truth!" Wow, you learn something new everyday!
posted by Sandra at 10:20 PM
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Sunday, January 12, 2003

Paper or plastic?
It seems that I am unable to go anywhere around here without causing some kind of scene. Perhaps if I were in downtown Jacksonville I would be ok but I am south of the city in a area filled with nothing but business parks. Even something as inocuous as grocery shopping has made me painfully aware that I am definitely NOT from the South.

Grocery store #1
Cashier: Paper or plastic?
Me: Paper AND plastic please.
Cashier: ... Well?
Me: Well what?
Cashier: What things do you want in plastic bags and what things do you want in paper bags??
Me: Ummm no, I'd like a paper bag IN a plastic bag?
Bagger: Oh wow!! Earlier today we had someone that wanted the same thing! You from up North?
Cashier: Yeah, Northerners like their groceries bagged that way!
Me: (not beliving I'm having a conversation about bagging) I'm from California.
Bagger: I guess y'all are a little different out there. Pretty much everyone wants the same thing here but every once in awhile you get someone who wants something different. But I mean, different is good...
Me: Right. Must be nice to see some alternative bagging preferences? *I have GOT to get out of here!*

Grocery store #2
Cashier: Paper or plastic?
Me: Paper AND plastic please.
Cashier: *stares at me, rolls her eyes, and lets out a dramatic sigh* Paper AND plastic??
Me: Umm yes..
Cashier: *proceeds to stuff the groceries into a million plastic bags and throws them into a paper bag* Here you go.
Me: Great, thank you. Perfect.
posted by Sandra at 8:59 PM
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Saturday, January 11, 2003

Food lions and freezer queens
I have to say that my favorite thing is to see the different store/product names here. My favorite grocery store so far is the Food Lion. As Conrado says, "I keep envisioning an African savannah with a lion passing out food to all the animals." So, I decided I just HAD to shop at the Food Lion store. While, looking for a frozen dinner, I saw a box with the words "Freezer Queen" on it. Being from San Francisco, "freezer queen" just doesn't make me think "tv dinner". *I* think a guy who cruises for other guys in the frozen food aisle maybe? Well this just made me laugh so hard that people started looking at me. I realize just how ridiculous this must have looked which made me laugh even harder. Now about 4 people are looking at me: "Look at that chinese girl over there holding a tv dinner and laughing. Now that's not something you see everyday."
posted by Sandra at 2:58 PM
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Friday, January 10, 2003

Everything I didn't really need to know, I learned in...
.. the South?
On my 3rd day here in Jacksonville. My rockin' boss (who had accompanied me out here for a few days for professional and moral support) and I were standing outside the office, exhausted and jetlagged, wondering if there was ANY way to get a cab to come pick us up from somewhere in the middle of a huge business park. She calls for a cab only to be told that the street the office is on, doesn't exist. That does not bode well. However, the dispatcher says she will try to send someone out there to find us. My boss describes what we are wearing, what we look like and gives our names. No cab shows up and now we are late picking up my rental car. She calls Hertz and they say they will send someone out to get us. Again we have no idea where we are and the Hertz people have never heard of the street we are on. Hearing our "directions" problems a large, imposing yet jovial office worker walks up and proceeds to tell the people on the phone how to get to the office. We are EXTREMELY grateful. As we are thanking him, we see a cab pull into the parking lot.

my boss (who is possibly the sweetest person ever): oh no!! there's the cab!! What should we do?
me: we can just tell them that Hertz is going to pick us up instead. Hopefully they won't be too mad.
my boss: oh I feel really bad now! Considering they actually found the place.
large, imposing office guy: Just pretend the cab isn't for you.
my boss: Yeah but I gave them a description of what we look like... I can't do that.
large, Imposing office guy: Oh I'll do it. Watch.
cab driver: Ummm I'm here to pick up Sandra and ...
Large, imposing office guy: Nope sorry they're not here
  (boss and I are trying desperately to hide behind large, imposing office guy and trying to look like we didn't just call for a cab)
cab driver: *checking a piece of paper and looking at us* ...well I'm supposed to pick up two women here? to take them to Hertz?
Large, imposing office guy: *swaggering up to the cab and towering over it* Oh them!! *giving the driver an intense stare* They just went off in another cab. I just saw them go. Yup, they left.
cab driver: *looks at us, looks a large imposing office guy* umm ok. thanks.
  (you can just see the driver thinking "How many Japanese women with lip piercings could there be in Jacksonville, Florida? Probably tons! cab drives off)
Large, imposing office guy: See? What did I tell you? Easy!

I think my boss was mortified. I, personally, was almost doubled over laughing. Then again it may have been the lack of sleep. After this bit of Southern chivalry we decided the least we owed him was a bit of polite conversation while we waited for Hertz. Somehow, the topic of me working for the bank for the next month, logically led to how he was in Vietnam as a sniper and had 38 confirmed kills. Also how he brought a wife back with him from the Phillippines but whom he caught cheating on him which of course led to her trying to stab HIM to death in his sleep. As he described it, "Well you remember Lorena Bobbitt? Same thing but long before that ever happened." My boss was smiling and nodding her head with polite interest. I, on the other hand, was doing everything I could to not start snorting and disolving into a fit of hysterics. After large, jovial office guy walked away, my boss turned to me and said, "That man did NOT just tell us his his wife stabbed him in the dick, did he??!!!" All I could think was "This is going to be one very interesting business trip."
posted by Sandra at 11:08 AM
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Thursday, January 09, 2003

You know it's going to be a bad day when...
I get into office this morning, sleepily start setting up the TWO work laptops that I have to lug around with me. I start setting up the laptops like I do everyday. The IBM ThinkPad has a two-piece power cord. I go to plug cord #1 into the AC adapter box. It doesn't fit. Baffled I keep trying. Nope doesn't fit. After turning the plug around several hundred times (because eventually I'm convinced it will fit), I take a good look at the cord. I figure out what's wrong. It's not my laptop cord! I grabbed my PS2 power cord instead! Great, now I have to find another cord. I turn to my next door cube neighboor (I'm in "Office Space" hell btw), one of the only engineers at Bank B AND who doesn't find me terribly amusing in any way.

Me: Hey Ranjit? Do you need to use your laptop today?
Ranjit: No...
Me: Could I borrow your power cord just for today? just the part that plugs into the wall.
Ranjit: *eyeing the black cord on my desk* What is that? Isn't that it?
Me: Ummm no. No, that's the cord to my Playstation...
Ranjit hands over his power cord looking extremely dubious about the person that Bank A has sent all the way from San Francisco to do this project.
posted by Sandra at 12:03 AM
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Wednesday, January 08, 2003

The WIldlife
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me: oh look there's a pond by the office. It's so pretty.
co-worker: Don't go near the pond.
me: why?
co-worker: There's an alligator in it.
me: HA HA! oh very funny!
other co-worker walks up: It's true. There's an alligator. On nice days it comes out to sun itself.
me: * note to self - don't go near the pond. *
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one evening I decide to step out onto my balcony to enjoy the moonlit view of the parking lot and dumpster. No sooner had I stepped out there, a large dark shape swoops right past me! Of course I shriek almost tripping over the chair that is out there and giving myself a heart attack. As I watch it fly past I realize it's an owl! I decide to retire to the safety of my room.
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I decide to venture out on the balcony again - during the day this time! Figure it'll be safer. It's a beautiful sunny day and the parking lot and dumpster look even more charming in the light. I'm standing there enjoying the view and the lovely bog smell when out of the corner of my eye I see a big dark shape scuttling across the balcony - IT'S A HUGE BUG...I think...! I leap to the other side of the balcony - making sure NOT to trip over the chair or scream like a little girl. As the large THING hides behind a railing, I realize I will have to walk by it to get back into the room. Then, I notice its long pointy backend peaking out from behind the railing, that can't be a bug! So I gather up my courage and take a closer look. At that moment it leaps out in front of me - it's a LIZARD for christs sake! Fearing it will run into the room, I jump over it and make it bad into the room. Though I have to admit it was a rather cute lizard, I really didn't want it IN my room with me.
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Standing outside with some co-workers, a giant dark shape flies overhead. I instinctively cover my head and run.

co-worker: it's just an egret you know.
me: An EGRET?? Don't you people have any normal animals?!? Where are the pigeons and rats!!
co-worker: he he he you covered your head.
me: I have parrots, give me a break. You never know when one is going to fly at your face, it's a reflex. (yeah, like he's really going to believe THAT! it's true though.)
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Conclusion: going outside to enjoy the beautiful Florida weather is not proving to be as relaxing as I was hoping it would be.
posted by Sandra at 11:00 PM
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Sunday, January 05, 2003

I'm back! .. but in exile

OK, so I took a HUGE break from blogging. Had more important things to deal with - like a contract! yea! It's definitely nice to be working again. However, said contract took a turn for the strange and unusual and I figure what a perfect time to start blogging again! I started working for a company a few months ago - a company I have wanted to work for since I first started doing web development 7 years ago. I had a couple opportunities to work with them in the past but it always seemed the timing was off. I figure the 3rd times the charm and it was! All I can say, it's been the "dream job" up unitl a month ago - when it turned into "twilight zone job." Here's what happened (abridged version):

November
1. Sandra's happily working on a project for Bank A (big bank in the East Bay)
2. Bank A buys Bank B
3. Bank B need to re-brand
4. Sandra will link up her project with Bank B's re-design.


A very simple procedure - or so you would think.


Mid-November
5. Sandra's almost finished with her part of the project and is waiting for Bank B to integrate the new design
6. ** big conference call happens **
7. "Umm Sandra? Bank B's engineer says it will take 15 weeks to change the design. Bank A wants to pull the plug."
8. "Oh HELL NO! I'm almost done! 15 weeks to put a new design on 45 pages??"
9. "Bank B doesn't have the resources"
10. "Well, WE can do it! I'll do it! I have some time. It should only take like 3 weeks."
11. "You'd have to work 'on-site' though..."
12. "That's fine. I can work 'on-site', I don't mind. Tell Bank A & B we'll cover the integration."
13. "It's in Florida"
14. .... (note to self - find out WHERE a project is FIRST before saying you'll go!!)


Early December
15-28. HOLY MOLY!! I'M IN JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA!! What was I thinking?!??!

Yes, so yours trulyl is now in the deep South. I was scheduled to be down here until the beginning of January. It's now looking like I'll be back at the beginning of February. A two-month business trip! Oh the stories I have to tell! The short of it though.. a little "oriental delight", fag-less fag hag with a lip ring from San Francisco just has NO place being in the deep South.
posted by Sandra at 1:46 PM
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